To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love; but then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love; to be happy then is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy; therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness…
kk adik,
pinjam kate2 ni ye..
"kian lama trkurung..di dasar lautan brkunci emas..kilauannya brseri,dgn kata yg mahsyur dan indah.."
his fren sms me da other day..he said he feels sorry abt wat hd hapened to ‘us’.
"may i knw how is he doing now?"
of coz he is sad but he recovered a lot now..
"recovered a lot? gud 4 him.."
sepjg waktu driving sms tu mcm radio rosak dlm kpale aku.it repeats infinitely..until now.
yesterday,i visited my cousin kt HKL.die dmam panas sgt2 n he was admitted da day b4..
intstitut paediatrik..wad KK6.
my cousin is 4 yrs old.sian kt die..mata die kuyu je.tgh memaen,layan die..i saw a small gal..brjalan2 dlm wad tu..kjap2 kang die lari2.if die singgah kt bed patient laen,a nurse will take her away.she’s different than other kids there.
curious.i asked da nurse "die saket ape?" she answered "xde saket pa pe."
i kept myself quite,thinking..while talking to my aunt,i uttered more "bdk tu x saket,nape ade kt hosp?"
then only i knew da story..she was born in da hosp dan ditinggalkn.brought up n taken care by da nurses,sleeps in 1 of da ward room..
rase nk nanges ms tu jugak..i went near her slowly.i knew it there’s sumthing in her eyes da moment i saw her 1st time.aku hulur tgn kt die n she grabbed it.not scared at all.aku dukung die..
felt so attached to her..she touched my face,my tudung..rs kesian,sedih,sayang menyelubungi sgenap ruang ati aku..aku peluk die skuat ati n she stunned.she looked at me,mata aku da brgenang..insan kerdil ni dahagakn kasih syg ibu n ayah..my god,she’s so beautiful..aku x bleh nk salahkn sesape pun krn aku prcaya watever happens alwiz for a reason.ade hikmah disbalik ktentuan idup die..
i think i understand how she feels n how she’s going to feel in da future..ya allah ya tuhan ku,sesungguhnye engkau maha pengasih lg maha penyayang..engkau la jua yg maha mengetahui.
ape jua yg trlintas difikirnku,x satu pun rasionalnye mampu aku laksanakn..
after a while maen2 dgn die,we were having fun 2gether..i gave her a hair band.she’s got a very soft brown hair..cpat sgt ms brlalu.it was almost 6.30pm,i’ve to leave..i thought i’m da only 1 yg rs berat ati meninggalkn tmpt tu,bile aku turunkn die dr dukungn, she cried.i almost burst in tears but i held it on..after da 3rd attemp utk turunkn die,aku x mampu dgr die nanges lg..i passed her 2 1 of da nurse..she passed a remark 2 me "kalo nk die,pegila apply kt JKM..juz isi borang je" i walked out of da ward,crying..
in da car,crying..
i will see her again..i’l make sure dat.
maybe it is easy 4 him..but it isnt 4 me.
it feels like i’m badly injured n later then i fell asleep..in my sleep i had dis very wonderful dreams,a state of euphoria..thought dat i belong there..it was kinda unrealistic but da feelings r so real till when i woke up frm my sleep i stumbled on my bed n cried as though i’ve lost n i’m lost..not only dat,i woke up 2 realize dat i’m actually still blended with da untolerable pain.
frankly,i cant take it..it is so much pain to handle..i’ve tried but juz couldnt get over it.
jumaat aritu, shima called.she’s pregnant now- 4 months.mcm x caye je bile trime news mcm tuh.igt lg dulu dok ikut die g mrempit..hihi
sepjg kt ukm,aku adlh pembonceng setia die n cecwan..ikut aje mane dieorg ngajak..supper la,lepak kt projet,mandi sg,putrajaya,mkn mee kari..mrata sbnanye ikut dieorg.kalo nk list,skian timer kaseh la..i even followed her 2 join bdk2 motor tzm & nsr..there,i gain another priceless memory in life..arwah aiman.(i’ll tell u da story of arwah aiman in my next post ek)
mcm x caye jugak bile tgk life shima.she finally married 2 her loving bf yg die couple ever since 1st yr kt ukm..still,i’ve seen almost all of it.mcm2 bende jd.gaduh xyah citer aa.they have such a very overwhelming strentgh in faith n love.
i know god answer her prayers..i’m so sorry,shima.as 1 of ur bestfren,unfortunately aku xdpt nk attend wedding ko aritu.aku da xplain nape aku x pegi,aku tau ko denga tp mest kecik ati kn..aku btul2 minta maaf.
nk sgt jumpe ko..nk tgk prut ko yg da ade bende idup.bukn cacing ek!ade baby..huhu slalu die nih ‘kahaq!’..kahaq2 die pun,ati die lembut sbenanye.caring n luving..cuma tang mulut yg x tahan..mai angin die bebel,erm kite plak jd bisu.kalo die senyap,x best la plak.mcm ade bende shot je..
ape2 pun,she’s a gud fren of mine..
"i’m wondering which is more hurtful..? new bleeding cut or old cut dat still bleeds?the gud thing abt old cut is it teaches u how 2 overcome da pain when new cut encounter.." these r part of da monolog in 2day’s grey’s anatomy.i wanted 2 quote more on as much as i can remember but da moment i touches da keyboard, i cant..(pdhal ptg td ms naek beskal,all of it mcm dok ulang2 dlm kpale)
kalo apeng tau isu2 LUPE ni,sure die ckp aku bnyk mkn krengga..mlampau btul die 2!!sian kt die..bukak grai kt ukm utk pesta konvo,da brbueh die ngajak aku g grai die tuh tp aku xleh nk pegi.(bound 2 curfew)
to all my frenz yg grad dis year trutama skali Fetty and Dell,sory x dpt nk attend.its kinda difficult 4 me to go out.my mom is sick..very sick actually..i need 2 b at home exclude da working hrs.ape pun,plz accept my CONGRATULATIONS!with open heart i wud like 2 wish u ‘welcome to real world’..nnt tau la korg cmane..hihi anyway,plz keep in touch..
Kekasih Gelapku - Ungu
ku mencintaimu lebih dari apapun
meskipun tiada satu orangpun yang tahu
ku mencintaimu sedalam dalam hatiku
meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku
yakinlah bahwa engkau adalah cintaku
yang kucari selama ini dalam hidupku
dan hanya padamu kuberikan sisa cintaku
yang panjang dalam hidupku
hidupku…
ku mencintaimu lebih dari apapun
meskipun tiada satu orangpun yang tahu
ku mencintaimu sedalam dalam hatiku
meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku
ku mencintaimu sedalam dalam hatiku
meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku
ku mencintaimu lebih dari apapun
meskipun tiada satu orangpun yang tahu
ku mencintaimu sedalam dalam hatiku
meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku
kekasih gelapku…
yours faithfully,
……………………
August 9,2007..
i can still picture wat happened dis afternoon.truk sgt2!
after da court session in da morning,i reached my ofis at 12noon wit no parking space around my ofis.i parked my car as usual behind sumbody else’s car.if they wanted 2 go out,they can giv a honk or cal me.well,2day i parked my car behind a silver metallic mercedes SL65..
while discussing with my boss i heard a loud n subsequent noise,sum1 wanted 2 go out..i looked over da windows,xde sape pun around my car.so,i continued my diskasyen.2mins later,i was informed 2 move my car.i ran down da stairs,hurried 2 my car n i saw a whitemen standing at da merc. "is dis ur car?’ yes,its my car.i’m so sorry.i’ll move it now "wat da fucking do u think u r doing?i’ve waited 4 more than 10mins n i’m late 4 my meeting??!’ ok,i’m sorry..i’ll move it now. "dis is all bullshit!i’ve called da police n i’ve given ur car num 2 them! u ()&^$@#*&*&&$@#@#@! " 
well,dat really pissed me off!i went straight close to his face n said "da police?i dont giv a damn care abt them!so wat??" he was frowned n his face turned 2 red i said "u want me 2 move ur car or cancel ur meeting??" with all da bad fucking words he used,he went into his car i went into mine.i moved my car n parked it further front but still behind another car.
punye la saket ati punye psl,dat witemen stopped next to me n sum more throw me all da bad words.x tau la dtg dr arah mana,i was then lost control of my temper.i actually scolded him like hell..with more bad words n cursing which i really..i really dont do dis kinda things.my temper then shut him off.he was really angry at me but i got angry even more.rs mcm hangin yg mlampau2 sgt.mcm 1 kemarahn yg x bleh dikawal sgt2.marah sgt20x! 
mase brgaduh tuh polis lari2 g kt tmpt tu mcm la ade gangsterisme je..the policemen went to us with guns tau x?gosh!bile tgk aku ngamuk kt mat saleh bangang tu,polis2 tu sume cam patung brunifom.tgk je..but 1 of them said 2 me "cik btau die,kalo x puas ati,g la balai wat repot.." yeah rite!wat a brilliant idea.dieorg pun xtau nk ckp cemane ngan mt saleh celaka tuh..polis pun trkjut agaknye tgk pompuan pakai bj kurung serba putih yg ngamuk..i bet i was looking so hideous with dat kinda anger.
abes sume org kt korean rest tu kuar mcm tgk filem cowboy..da part when sheriff gaduh ngan jesse james.camtuh la kirenye.people juz stand n stare at us.
dis part,i regret most 2 happened..
lpas mat saleh mulut cam sial tuh blah,ade la plak suare sumbang nih "awak la salah.nape g parking situ.kt jln raya ni punye la bnyk parking.parking je la cni." keter sy da pnah eksiden parking situ pakcik (he lives there.opposite my ofis..) "kalo eksiden pun,punye psl awk la..naseb aa" marah yg td x setel lg, he threw gasoline 2 a burning flame. "pakcik ckp mmg la snang,bukn keter pkcik yg kna langgar pun.pkcik nih knape??" polis2 tu masih lg dok jd patung bruniform kt sblah aku..duhh! "pakcik saket tlinge tau x,ari2 denga org hon2 keter!saket tlinge!saket kple bunyi bising!!" n wit gr8 anger,mcm ombak tsunami…"pkcik kalo xmo bising,pakcik PINDAH!!!!pakcik denga x??pakcik PINDAH!!jgn dok cni!!" pkcik tu bebel ape ntah aku da x amek port, aku sembur lg "kalo pkcik rs sy salh sgt,sy nk pakcik pegi btau kt sume org yg parking mcm sy ni,p bgtau kt dieorg kate dieorg salah.ok??!"
br la patung brsrgam tu brsuara, "cik,sabar la.." i’ve enuff of dis,pakcik..aku pun blah g ofis blk.
tau x ape kesan nye pd aku? aku rs mrh smpai rs sesak nafas.slame nih aku biase kalo mrh,aku snyap je.i keep 2 myself smpai aku tdo br aku col.tp td rs mcm truk sgt10x!
jarang la aku nk lpas anger mcm tuh.jarang sgt2.i yelled n cursed him..i disrespect elderly..i lost control of my temper.bile da lost control mcm tu,susah nk recollect blk da patience.i still felt like scolding da whitemen until then i decided 2 get sum sleep.i cant do my work.nothing on my table moved.aku pun tdo 4 half an hr..bgn dr tdo rs kurang sket mrh tu.aku amek air smayg,solat zohor..feel much better.tp kpale saket, dada pun saket..lpas abeskn ape yg aku wat td,i really need 2 go home.aku minta blk awal dr boss,aku bg alasn aku puase..which is true.
puase ape..abes pahala puase je maki mat saleh lahanat tu.urrgh! dpt pnat n lapar je..erm..
aku xnk marah2 mcm tu dah..pnat sgt.abes drained out my energy..bile da tnang sket,aku rs brsalah sgt kt pakcik tu.niat die baek rsnye.die pun tensed kot.i shud hav not blown him camtu..truknye..
my boss ckp he heard da noise very clear from our department yg trap in glass tu.mat saleh tu pun jerit2,aku pun same naek.buruk btul prangai camtu.serius buruk!!
aku still xleh trime dat i acted dat way..i’m still puzzle on how i lost my control of my temper.
i shud hav just keep my bloody mouth shut juz now..tp mat saleh tu mlampau!i cant blieve i said sorry 2 him.dat part mmg saket ati.aku bukan jenis sesuke je nk minta maaf unless aku mmg wat salah.maybe dat is da main trigger 2 my anger.plus,he used all da f words n b words to me.dat might caused da uncontrollable anger..
dis is truly a bad exmple..how i wish,i shud have become more rasional rather than emotional.how immature i was..another lesson for life has taught me.
istilah brazil..
‘Saudade’ is a sadness u feel 4 happy memories.
sum1 told me dis…"remember dat rainbow is da prelude of sunshine"
i’l keep dat in mind..
Seumpama rama-rama
Terbang bebas di udara tanpa ada halangan
Aman damai suka-suka
Riang ria tanpa ada rasa duka sengketa
Rama-ramai luv dis part..
Ekspresi dirimu menawan hatiku
Ingin aku terbang bersamamu
Melihat kerenah melihat telatah
Manusia yang sering telagahn also dis part..
Ekspidisi ini bagai tiada henti
Kan menjadi antologi diri
Terhentilah mimpi terhapuslah sepi
Sanubari yang lebih berani
Terminal yang pasti satu fitrah hati
Kerna yang sejati tiada kekal lagi
Terbanglah ke sini mencari abadi
Terbanglah ke mari mencari hakiki
Seumpama rama-rama
Melewati panorama yang penuh warna warni
Taman bunga taman damai
Dengan aksi lincah berputik hidup yang harmoni
Rama-rama.
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