sUkmA JaRak

Yasmin Ahmad,51 passed away recently bcoz of stroke dat she probably had never figured out dat it wud strike her while she was doing her presentation at work..

It bothers me a lot dat she passed away dat early dat way. Fine,death doesn’t count ur age. If its time for u to go, no second will possibly delays. But still,it bothers me. It really do.

I have a DAD.. my only DAD is my beloved ABAH. And in less than 2 weeks he will turn 50.. what happened to Yasmin actually made me feel scared to my bone thinking about his age coming. I wish he’d be 40 forever.. seriously,im scared..

I only have abah who makes me feel there’s a reason fo me to continue living on dis very old earth.i only have abah dat makes me feel like a child still. I only have abah dat makes me see life wit wisdom as he is for me da wisest man on da planet.. even though I don’t cry to my dad when I feel like to,its bcoz I want him to know dat im strong for him if he ever needs me..even though I don’t share as much things I shared wit ma before,its becoz im alwiz keen to hear stories frm him.. alwiz eager to know how was his day or maybe how was ur childhood..how was ur teenage-hood.. how do u fall in luv wit ma? (since ma used 2 tell me how u won her heart..)..See? I haven’t hv much of my abah and suddenly he’s turning to 50 very soon. And at da age of 50,life can be threatened by lotsa things. N dats y im damn scared..

Pinch me ,so dat I realize my dad is 40 n there r plenty of time fo me n my others siblings to hv fun wit him. 3 days ago he asked me at da dining table, ”where do u think shud I spend my retirement?” I said “where else,if its not here..”. There’s no way im gonna let him spend his retirement other place without me n the others of his children. I wanna b wherever he is.

Buat ayahanda tersayang,

Forgive me for being dis very dependant on u at da age of reaching 30 but I want u to know dat I love u with all my heart and I wish to be with u as long as time can tell. I wanna take care of u even dat I know dat I may not be as gud as ma in cooking or cleaning or house managing but wat really matters to me is da time n luv we hv towards each other. So,please don’t plan of spending retirement days anywhere without us,ur only children. We need u. we alwiz need u no matter how tall or lebar we grew..

U have no idea how much u feature in our lives..

May Allah bless u wit gr8 health n happiness alwiz ,abah.. Semoga abah panjang umur sampai ida ade baby,mira kawen n ade babies which is not too long to wait (haha..),ina ade babies,ayim ade baby,erin ade baby,syalin ade baby n adik ade baby.. amin!

i luv u,abah..

Its 2am n ive decided to skip my nite sleep.

It has been days my mind keeps running stories inside my head.dis mind doesn’t seem to stop thinking n thinking n thinking n its begging me to pour it on a layout.. be it a bedsheet.. a clean white towel.. or a piece of paper ,it juz wont stop making stories winding up inside my head.

Yes,I hv a disturbed mind.im stucked. Whenever I thought Ive made a turn at certain point,I kept on seeing da same signboards ,da same junctions ..hence,I failed my way to da rite exit.funny isn’t it? Where am i?

Its very clear to say dat im lost. One cannot find a correct direction basically by its heart or shud I say instinct. Instinct doesn’t help u to choose da rite turn if u don’t know which way is heading where in da 1^st place. So,what does a lost person needs da most? A map..naah,its pretty lame. I need a GPS. A talking GPS.. yeah,dat will help a lot. Big time,I’d say.

1^st step : key in ur destination

2^nd step :press GO ,otherwise it doesn’t moves u.

3^rd step : trust ur GPS ,otherwise u wont b following it.

4^th step : read da signboards ,dat GPS could be wrong too (it happens)

5^th step : turn da GPS off (u sure don’t wanna waste da batt fo da next journey) as u’ve finally reach ur destination.

For real,I wish I hv a talking GPS.. for better,I wish we all hv a talking GPS. So dat we wont get lost at times. So dat we wont be wondering,shud I make a right turn at da 3^rd junction? or shud I juz take da 2^nd turn at da roundabout? or maybe its best for me to keep left until da end of da road..?

Time is running dat I cannot stop.

Even if I stop , nothing awaits me. Pointless isn’t it? Whatever happens, life goes on..

P.S. my dad is da greatest GPS. He knows almost all routes in Malaysia n we never get lost in any places we ever been travelled to.

02 July 2009 bersamaan dgn 10 Rejab 1430..

when i looked back,bulan july thn lpas was a very tough month fo me..i cn still recall hw it feels.in fact, i cn even feel it nw.. rs sebak n sedih.i remember very well how was she doing frm day 2 day..

d removal of tumor in her brain..she went thru dat wit courages which no1 cn ever imagine.lpas je surgery tuh,yes she stopped vomitting but later then she had difficulty in breathing. i cn still picture hw difficult fo her 2 sleep at nite. in d middle of da nite,i’d b juz by her side.. holding her hand or rubbing her swollen right arm wit minyak kayu putih.. we usually had mom n daughter talk almost every nite while every1 was sleeping.. there were giggles n cries. i cn still see her smile when i asked her “ma,sdap x milo ida wat?” she’d answer “bley la..” but never wanted any1 else buatkn milo tuh except me. same goes wit her warm water. nobody knows mcm mane nk wat utk die air suam yg slightly 1% je kurg dr hot  water..well,she called dat suam. sbenanye,stiap kali die mintak air suam tuh,i’d drink a sip 1st.if my tongue rs pedih cket,dat fits her suam.. pn begitu,i never get tired of doing anything fo her.. never. hw i wish i’d be able 2 do so again bcoz juz by being at her side,it shines enuff my day n nite.. ya allah,walau pn ianya sebulan yg menghimpit hati n prasaan,ianya tetap sebulan yg sgt brmakna pd ku..

masuk je bulan rejab thn lpas,me n mira brpuase sakan.. sbb doa org brpuase kn atr doa yg mustajab.siang mlm kami brdoa,menangis di sjadah mohon allah sembuhkn mama..ma ckp die suke sgt ktorg puase di buln rejab.. ma pnah ckp ,nnt bile ma xde, rajin2 puase sunat n bace al-quran ye.. “brdoalah kpd allah..krn allah itu maha mendengar” ade 1 mlm tu ma tnye,”ida doa ape td?” bcoz she saw me crying ms solat.. i said “ida minta allah angkat sume kesakitn mama,ida mintak allah sembuhkn ma cpat..” erm,lpas ni kalo doa,ida doa la mcm ni ya allah ya tuhanku,tuhan yg maha pengasih lg maha penyayang,berikn lah yg trbaik buat mama ku krn engkau lah tuhan yg maha bijaksana lg maha mengetahui.. i said ok.pastu,itu la doaku yg x putus stiap kali solat. Jelas la slps itu,pemergian mama kembali ke rahmatullah adalah yg trbaik buat die.. wallahualam.

skjap je mase brlari,30.07 nnt genap la setahun ma pegi.. 27 rejab nnt juga genap la setahun thn islam ma pegi meninggalkn aku,adik2 n abh.. skejap saje setahun itu brlalu tp aku.. aku masih lg brharap ma ade kt rumah ni. aku masih lg brharap aku ade mama utk brmanje.. aku masih lg brharap hafiz ade mama utk die peluk n cium2 stiap mlm.. aku masih lg brharap abah x kesunyian n ade mama utk brgurau n brkongsi cerita. aku masih brharap semuanye seperti dahulu kala.. aku masih brharap.. ampunkan lah segala dosa2 ku ya allah. hambamu ini insan yg sgt lemah..yg sgt rapuh tanpa kasih sayangMu..

ma,ida rindu ma sgt2..